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Gag Gifts broing holiday Laughter to any workplace.. by Perkal

"After 2 1/2 years of contributions from more than 70 countries, he compiled the best.
Chapters such as Managerial Wis-Dumb, Pinheads in Pinstripes and Sleazy Does It compartmentalize the anecdotes, some of which, frankly, sound made up. But enough ring true for this to be a read-out-loud laugh riot in any department. At other times, you'll gasp in disbelief at gaffes that astound.
Check a few of these idiocies From The Mouths of Madmen chapter:
* ``What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.''
* ``Don't be alarmed, but I find your attire and mannerisms to be `too ethnic' for our vision of diversity.''
* ``I don't care how your weekend was and I wish you'd stop asking about mine.''
* ``I'm sorry, but it could hurt my chances for advancement if I was a mentor to a minority.''
* ``You weren't my first choice, but it's clear no one listens to me.''
Warning: a rather slim volume for the price.

Tom Davis, the Silicon Valley scientist / founder of Silicon Graphics, had a revelation one day as he stared at a blackboard covered with techno-jargon. Buzzword Bingo was born when he created a program that shuffled a database of buzzwords and generated bingo cards filled with the terms.
It spread like a computer virus as colleagues sat in meetings, marking their cards when the right buzzword surfaced.
Scott Adams, of Dilbert fame, mentioned the underground game in his comic strip and The Wall Street Journal blew the lid off with a front-page feature in June 1998. You can also determine the length of a ``season'' - all day, a week, or the course of a three-day retreat.
Higher point values are assigned to more complicated terms, such as fault tolerance, vaporware or low-hanging fruit. Jump up cheering when you fill in the last square linking smell test with web presence, facetime and ramp up with locked and loaded.
Get your ducks in a row. Pass the baton. Wear different hats. Have a lot on your plate. Raise the bar. Close the loop. Sweat your assets and push authority down the pyramid.

This purports to be a serious tome, but the section on Ben Franklin as Our Founding Schmoozer led me to think otherwise.
The basic theory behind the book is something like this: ``Conventional networking is the clammy science of collecting business cards ad infinitum,'' while schmoozing is somehow something more. ``It sounds, frankly, like `oozing.' Schmoozing is far from slimy but oozing isn't a bad description of what a schmoozer does. A schmoozer slides into opportunities where none are apparent . . .'' blah, blah, blah. If you can take that sort of blather seriously, maybe this book will do you some good. Gauge your Schmoozing Quotient with a multiple-choice test. Otherwise, read it for laughs.
Profiles of top schmoozers like Tom Snyder and Regis Philbin are interspersed with chapters on The Schmoozing Mindset, True Tales of Schmoozing and Who Do You Know? Who Do They Know? Lists of The Worst Ten Schmoozing Presidents and America's Schmooziest Companies frost this otherwise bland cake. But hey, we're talking gag gifts, not alms of endearment.


CAUGHT NAPPING:


Thank the Internet for ``Things To Say If You're Caught Sleeping At Your Desk.''
10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a two-minute power nap like they raved about in that last time-management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! I guess I left the top off the Liquid Paper.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement while envisioning a new paradigm!
6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
5. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
4. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
3. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
2. The coffee machine is broken.
And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. Amen.

Click here to see Perkal Gag Gifts"

This article was published on Sunday 03 December, 2006.

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