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the Greater Gift of this time of year.. by Perkal

"Winter is approaching; the great slumber, a time to rest, revitalize our relationships, and to celebrate what we have accomplished. People the world over revere this season of reflection and thanksgiving. All across the globe gifts are exchanged and celebrations attended. The spirit of winter stirs in the global consciousness. It is a universal truth, to every thing there is a season.

The Winter Solstice is the astronomical point at which winter officially begins. It varies each year, occurring around December 21-23. It was first celebrated by Germanic people as Yule. Today Yule is recognized around the world with a traditional dusk to dawn ritual on the evening of the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. The celebrations of Yuletide include gift giving, dancing, eating, and drinking.

December sees the celebration of Hanukkah or The Festival of Lights. This is when the Jewish community celebrates their dedication to God. For eight days candles are lit and placed in a special holder called a menorah. It is traditional to eat fried foods and give small gifts during this time.

Christmas is observed the world over as a joyful celebration of the birth of the Savior. Millions observe this holiday with church services and prayers. The traditions of Christmas are global and include Christmas Day dinner and exchanging gifts. Next to Easter, this is the most important date on the Christian calendar.

Holy commercialization

As widespread as the spirit of winter seems to be, the ubiquitous commercialization of the faithful is just as universal. No matter what language you speak or culture you identify with, somebody has something to sell you during your holiday season. People across the globe are targeted by corporate marketers looking to capitalize on tradition.

Through the magic of television advertising we are shown the idyllic holiday celebration, elegantly dressed hostesses serving elegantly dressed guests, beautiful people surprised by loved ones with sports cars and diamonds, happy children amidst a sea of impeccably wrapped gifts--the more the merrier.

But at what price all this commercial merriment? All over the world heartfelt traditions from every culture are being slowly replaced with newer, more material ones. Throughout North America stores open in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving to kick off the Christmas shopping season. A new tradition of getting up before dawn to battle crowds has emerged. The days of an easy Thanksgiving weekend spent with family and friends are slipping away.

The simple gifts of Hanukkah are being replaced by more expensive and modern ones. Gift giving is now an integral part of the Jewish Festival of Lights. No more chocolate coins and dreidels (a wooden top that children play with), now Jewish children celebrate with iPods and Gameboys. Their winter celebration is becoming a material one, just like the rest of the world's traditions.

Each year from Tokyo to Tulsa we see images of hordes of holiday shoppers mobbing discount stores for a chance to snag the hottest new toy for their child. They are sure this will make their celebration picture perfect and their child blissfully happy.

How can a mass produced gift be personal? How can it capture the spirit of Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah or any other holiday? The whole notion is illogical, bordering on silly. Yet every holiday season the masses give mass-produced gifts in hope of spreading holiday joy. It's pure nonsense.

A gift is meant to celebrate the connection between the giver and receiver. It is personal and unique, not massed produced in the sweatshops of foreign countries by emaciated children working for pennies.

The true measure of a gift is most certainly the intentions of the given

The holiday spirit

The holiday spirit has changed. The soul of winter is being converted into corporate stock options. No longer do we give each other gifts to show appreciation and affection. Gifts now bear the spirit of indebtedness.

People give gifts with the expectation of reciprocation. Subconsciously (or not), they expect a certain level of emotional repayment. Some expect undying gratitude and dripping appreciation, others expect romantic commitments, still others expect professional favors. Parents give gifts to their children and expect good behavior. Employers give gifts to their workers and expect self sacrifice. Regardless of the form the expectation takes, it exists.

Anyone who has ever received an expensive gift that made them uncomfortable understands this. You accept the gift as graciously as possible, but in doing so you realize that you have mortgaged your autonomy. Instead of feeling blessed by a gift like this, you feel a sense of dread because of the debt that has been passed to you in the guise of generosity. Gifts given in this spirit only breed more of the same. This is an abomination of the spirit of the season.

Refusing a gift can cause intense feelings of resentment and anger that will find an avenue for expression. These feelings will eventually poison the relationship between the giver and the refuser.

True gifts are respectful of the spirit of both the giver and the receiver. A gift given from the heart, from a place of appreciation, is a blessing to the giver as well as the receiver.

Coming unwrapped

It happened for us in winter of 1999 with a one-two-punch from the Universe. I look at these events as a gift now, but back then they were pretty unsettling. It certainly gave us pause to re-examine our values.

The first punch landed when my husband Wayne received a Christmas card from his employer. It was the same routine every year. The card had the traditional well wishes of the season and a message from the president of the company which read, ""Thank you for your continued support."" A check for $800 was enclosed. The amount varied from year to year. If the company did well the amount was larger, if it was an off year, the amount was smaller, but the basic routine never varied.

This time something was different. An odd thought slipped sideways into my head, ""This isn't a gift, it's payola.""

I was suddenly disappointed, let down. Where was the ""thank you for the sacrifices you and your family have made this year?"" How about some appreciation and acknowledgement? I just couldn't shake this feeling.

Wayne felt it too. He had become disillusioned with his position, feeling taken for granted and used. He was on the verge of walking away from a six figure a year salary. This so called gift only reinforced those feelings. He had worked longer hours in worse conditions than anyone should have to. He had traveled for months on end, only to return home and be called away again the next day.

There were no words of thanks written on his card, no acknowledgement made of his commitment to the company. His was exactly the same as every other employee, a generic greeting and the stamped signature of the company's president.

The company's gift seemed to say, ""We don't have to appreciate you, we pay you.""

The second punch came a week later.

Christmas at our home was elaborate. We spent lavishly on gifts for loved ones each year. I had spent heavily on our three children as usual. Most of the gifts were electronics, a computer, CD changers, and a television for good measure. Showering them with gifts made me feel good.

Wayne had been traveling for most of the year. He had a bad case of what he called ""road burn."" His relationship with the company was strained because he felt used and unappreciated. He just wanted a quiet holiday and a chance to relax. That wasn't going to happen.

The demands of his employer were having a negative affect on the whole family. Things were deteriorating fast as Christmas approached. Our son was having trouble in school. We attributed the problems to normal teenage angst, but the situation was becoming progressively worse.

Junior's attitude at home was changing; he was becoming more difficult to control. By 1999 there had been several contacts with law enforcement.

On a dull winter's day about a week before Christmas it happened. Our son had challenged us, crossed us, and refused to cooperate with us. We were at our wit's end. As punishment we decided to return his expensive presents, and we told him so.

There was a look of utter astonishment on his face. I thought he was going to cry. ""So that's it. I knew it. You only give me things so I'll do what you want. I hate you!"" He screamed at us with clenched fists.

I was frozen in what I can only call ""a moment of Zen."" Could this angry, rebellious young man be right?

Yes. A gift is not a reward. Rewards are payment for conditions met, gifts are not.

I was ashamed. We were complicit in the abomination of the season, just like my husband's employer. There was no difference between the company's motivation and ours. They were one and the same. This wasn't love, this wasn't appreciation, and I wanted to get far away from whatever it was.

We decided against taking the expensive gifts back. It was already a joyless holiday season; we didn't see any reason to add resentment to the mix. That year watching my children open their high priced presents didn't feel so good.

The reconnect

Over the years we had spent untold thousands on Christmas gifts. Where were those gifts now? Most likely at the bottom of some landfill keeping the other unappreciated gifts company.

The events of Christmas 1999 forced us to re-examine who we had become and where we thought we might like to go. We decided to find ways to reconnect with ourselves, each other, and the Earth.

Wayne has stopped traveling and is home to enjoy the bonfire on the Winter Solstice now. Friends and neighbors come by and we tell stories by the fire. We exchange simple handmade gifts. The homemade wine flows along with tales of the shenanigans of yesterday. Laughter warms our hearts as we share our memories of each other.

In the still spaces between the laughter and the storytelling, as we pause and look into the fire, our souls share a moment. What simpler gift could there be than the feeling that we are connected, at one with each other in the silent and holy night? What greater gift can we give each other?

Good will giving

First Lady Barbara Bush once said, ""Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others.""

There is something special about receiving a gift that was made just for you. A wonderful sense of appreciation comes with it. The person giving such a gift has really considered who you are; they didn't just run to Wal-Mart and pick something up.

One Christmas my oldest daughter gave me a wonderful recipe for a sausage and spinach salad that she put on a cute little recipe card. She saw it in a magazine and thought of me (everyone who knows me knows I love spinach). I love it. I use it all the time.

Our son likes American Indian lore. One Yuletide season I gave him a copy of Chief Seattle's Speech. When I saw this moving piece in a book of essays I immediately thought of Junior. I copied it onto some nice parchment paper and rolled it up like a scroll with a ribbon on it. He says it's the best thing I ever gave him.

We have simplified our gifts to one another, in doing so we haste amplified the spirit of the season. It is remarkable.

These days when the winter holidays roll around I truly look forward to giving gifts. Gone is the dread of battling crowds, charging up the credit cards, and keeping track of receipts for returns. Instead there are moments of precious reflection as I think about each person on my list and how I can best wish them a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yuletide, or whatever holiday they happen to be celebrating.

"

This article was published on Sunday 03 December, 2006.

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